Defensive Driving

Tuesday, May 21, 2013 12:02 | Filled in Uncategorized

I am taking an online defensive driving course today. While I was writing my last blog post, the chapter was about organ donation. It took me back for a minute but now I know that Nikolas is with me every step of the way of this horrible journey. I take nothing as a mere coincidence. That was his way of saying “Bravo, mom. Finally you are going to stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop making your short comings because of my death and move forward in my good name”

I am glad I was his mom and that I had him for those short 21 years. He made me a better person and his life will not be in vain. I will help people in my situation. If you are a grieving mom, please email me personally at I have some really great ideas that can and does help.

God bless us all.

Been so long since I’ve blogged….

Tuesday, May 21, 2013 11:44 | Filled in Uncategorized

I had to re buy my domain name a few weeks ago. It made me realize I hadn’t blogged in so long. I mean, so much has happened since I blogged last! We had a beautiful grand baby girl named Halle Nikol Evans. She is now 6 months old!!
I need to figure out how to add pictures and videos to this thing so all of you can meet her. She is the light of my life. She has given my life new meaning. I baby sit her every Friday and it has been heaven. She smiles at me so cute, every time I pick her up. She is so good and it almost seems she knows what I am saying when I am talking to her. She is going to be such a smart girl. I know all parents think their kids are going to be smart but this one has her attention to everything going on at all times.
Let’s back up to November 12th, 2012 around 3:30 pm….My wonderful friend, Mark Scroggins, who delivered our baby girl, came out and told me that Olivia was exhausted and really having a hard time. They mentioned C-section and I will admit I was scared for Olivia, I knew Mark would never put our girls in danger. I believe they took her back around 5:00 pm and 30 minutes later or so, Ryan came out in his scrubs!!!!!!!! He had pictures on his cell phone of the baby just seconds old. I could not believe Ryan and Olivia had just had this baby. My baby had a baby. It was an incredible feeling. I could see how happy he was so of course, in sensitive mother fashion, I bawled like a baby.
We were all there, except Jeff. He had to go out of town but was there earlier that morning with Lily. Our whole family was overjoyed. For one day, we were all there together, in a circle, not being sad about losing Nikolas. This was Ryan’s day, bless his heart and we were all so happy.
Before this I had to grab the boys dad for a hug because I just wanted Nik to be here to see all of this happiness.

Fast forward some more time and we are all doing just fine. Neena had a little health scare that is fine. Jeff and I have had work issues that are better and everyone is doing fine.
No grand baby news. Nothing new for Nikki’s baby dreams. I know in my heart that he was gone too long and the surrogacy would never work but I have to spend the money, time and love to hear those words myself. I am not the kind of girl who will give up on anything, especially when it has to do with my kids. The good thing now is Halle Nikol. She can take ice skating lessons, and singing lessons, and piano lessons and ride her bike and paint and draw and laugh and walk. I have this new life that has instilled some new life in me. Things were rough for a while. Really rough. It’s amazing how one little soul, can give such big gratification! I’m already ready for baby number two!!!!
The kids are getting on their feet and loving each other tons so that is something I would like to see sooner than later lol
I don’t butt in though, much.
Hug your family and friends today. If today is the last day with them, say everything you want them to hear.

After today, this blog is going to be only positive and motivating to other grieving mothers. I want to make Nikolas proud. I want him to know that forever I will be sad that I can’t hug him but I know he is with me and wants me to succeed. He wants me to put this stomach ache grief aside for a moment and take that energy and put it out there to help others.

DONE, Nikolas! I have heard you and know what you want from me until we meet again.

LOVE you all.

Baby’s and more baby’s

Friday, August 31, 2012 16:24 | Filled in Uncategorized

O and I went to visit one of Nik and Ryan’s better friends, son yesterday and it was heaven. I love that baby smell. They are helpless and sweet and cranky and cute. It’s giving O good practice for being a mommy herself. They talked about breast feeding, checking glucose levels, bottles, diapers, day care and teething. I just sat back and smiled. I am so over the moon excited for my boy and his girl. They are going to be great parents. I sure hope they learn from their parents, step parents and grand parents mistakes lol. I sure am going to miss them when they move to Vegas but now I have a great place to visit where I will spend too much money, sleep too little, eat too much, and see my grand baby girl! We are going to get frequent flyer miles out the bootie.
On another note, Russ has asked me to start speaking at TOSA events. TOSA stands for Texas Organ Sharing Alliance. When we first met, 9-11-10, my news reporter friend from Austin came and did an interview. That interview did more than touch lives, people went and signed up to be an organ donor. I loved that but have always been weary of doing anything else with them for fear I would absolutely lose it. I think I am in a better place now.

Planning the baby shower

Wednesday, August 29, 2012 13:12 | Filled in Uncategorized

Nope, I know some of you might think this is Nikolas’ baby shower we are planning but it isn’t, it’s Ryan and Olivia’s! They are going to have a baby girl in November and I am over the moon happy for them and excited. Ryan’s job will take him to Vegas right after the baby is born so I would suspect my frequent flyer miles will double or even triple for however long they are in Nevada! I don’t care what it takes…..I will see my grandbaby as much as I can! It will be so nice to have a baby girl in the family even though Ryan still holds out hope that his first born is a boy LOL. You know all you testosterone filled men want boys first. It’s like a tarzan thing. Me Dad, you boy. Go catch ball, pee outside, fish, hunt….blah blah. But there is something to be said about a well raised, awesome girl….after all, I am one. LOL Some aren’t raised so well so they can be a big ol pain in the butt, but our baby girl is going to be a super star, sweet, polite, confident, happy, and good! I just know it! Her parents aren’t going to put up with a lot and know how much work it is going to be to make her that great kid…..Excited to see how that turns out too. I have to remember not to send her home with sugar and clothes all the time or I will get in trouble lol.
The name so far is Halle Nikol…calling her Nikki, after our boy. I think that is the greatest tribute anyone can give to someone….naming their baby after them. Our girl, Jamie, did this too. Her boy’s name is Gage Nikolas. I know Nikki watches down on her and her son and husband constantly–he loved her so much.
I can’t say I would be mad if she turned out to be Marissa Nikol haha, or Katherine Nikol after my mom or even Jane Nikol after my Nana but I need to butt out and I am. That is one thing Ryan can’t say very often, is that I butt in to their business. I do try and stay out and give welcome advise if and when it’s needed.

We have such a great bunch of family and friends that this baby has no doubt but to be the most spoiled little girl on the planet! She already has a wardrobe the size of Jackie Kennedy’s and she’s not even here yet. This is just what the Dr ordered for the time being, a new sweet face on the way to bless us every waking minute. I can’t wait to meet her!
I went to the Dr with Olivia and my mom yesterday and it was so cool to hear the heartbeat and see the sonogram. She was smiling at us. This is the 2nd time baby bean was smiling in her sono. Her parents are so lucky to be so laid back and simple. No arguments, no drama, no sadness, no craziness while she is in there. It makes for such a happy baby when she is born. I think she is just in there floating around, being happy, and waiting to meet her huge awesome family.

Bring it on world! Missy grandbaby #1 is the most anticipated event we have had so far. I love her so deeply already.
Can’t wait to be a Neena. I am so blessed with a wonderful son and daughter in law. I never had a daughter but I would definitely have picked her out personally if I could have when they were handing daughters out :)

Had a good week of doggie rescue

Sunday, July 22, 2012 9:58 | Filled in Uncategorized

When I do things that feel good, I feel good. When I sit for too long, I start to long for my kid. I start to think a about all the things I should have done to be a better mother, when my boys were little. I start to question letting Ryan go live with his Dad, I start to question how much time I spent working and partying but I do know that I was a good mother, not great, but really good and I know that both my boys love me to death. I was the mom and the dad, pretty much. I hate that I was divorced. I wish I could have raised my kids with a mom and a dad like I had.
Not that I wanted to be married to their dad, so much, lol, but you know what I mean.
I loved my married life now. I am finally in a stable, loving place that knows no boundaries. I think my Nikki would be proud. He taught me how to really love from my core, he and Ryan sure did. Those boys were my everything. I lived for them only. That meant my dating life went by the wayside for a long time. Nikolas used to say that I needed a boyfriend so I wouldn’t be so strict LOL
Now I have a real love that is going to last. We have our ups and downs but the haters that didn’t believe we belonged together are going to eat crow one day :) We plan on making our marriage work. We know we married the wrong people before and now that we were lucky enough to find each other, we are going to put in the work that it takes to keep it alive and wonderful. I can’t wait to grow old with my “souly”!
I am just happy today. The hubby and I had a wonderful time at a little pre-anniversary celebrating last night. It was great. We have the rest of the weekend to just be together, just the two of us and that is our most favorite time…just us ol folks, feeling like kids sometimes.
Tuesday I rescued one of the sweetest, most gentle dogs I have ever been around. That made my week turn around. We named her Gracie. For Grace….She has heart worm and is going to get a bath today. When we nurse her back to health, we will find her a furrever home that will make her so happy. I love seeing rescue doggies smile and ya know what, so does the hubby, even if you won’t admit it :)

The baby bump is growing!

Friday, July 20, 2012 8:13 | Filled in Uncategorized

I get blue and then I look at pictures of the baby bump! Olivia and Ryan are going to make the best parents and I can’t wait to be a grandmother. Ryan is getting excited and Olivia is studying and resting and doing all the right things. I am so grateful that they found each other! I am so proud of my son and where is going in his life. I am so happy that he found someone who adores him so much and treats him so well. I am so over the moon to not have to worry about him as much anymore. He seems to be taking life by the balls now which is a far cry from a few years ago but we all had to grieve the way we needed to grieve. My baby boy went through so much and in the midst of all of it he had to take care of his grieving mama. I will forever be grateful to him for that. He is the man I raised. I know Nikolas is looking down and he is proud of us both!
Our 1st grandchild will be named Halle Nikol Evans. I love it and her!
Thank you for our beautiful new family that is being made. Please watch over them and make sure they never get hurt physically. Please help Ryan and Olivia guide that baby to be the best woman she can be. And also help us to not smother her with too much of EVERYTHING because of the loss that we suffered. We want to show her guidance and boundaries so she will be the best.
She is definitely going to be the smartest baby I have ever been around lol. Ryan and Olivia are genius level IQ’s. This baby gonna be baby genius :)
Smile today. Not because you read this and know I have a heavy heart alot but because a few times since I lost my baby I have been TRULY happy….one was when Ryan walked me down the aisle to meet my husband and best friend….my wedding days, both of them, when my mom really laughs, when my doggies look up and love on me, when I save rescue dogs, and when I have good Nikolas dreams, and then the day that Ryan told me he was going to be a father! Those are good smiley things. I choose to think about all of those things today and rest assured, more smiley times are coming our way.
I will never do anything without the backing of my son, trust that.

Been melancholy alot lately

Thursday, July 5, 2012 22:06 | Filled in Uncategorized

As long as I live, I will never stop doing the thing that made me feel better when I lost my boy. No person or thing can stop me from living my life for my children and hope that someday I can have that grand baby I so want. Nikolas deserves to have his heir live the life that he could not. I heard from close family and friends that I need to move on but I will never totally MOVE on. You don’t MOVE on from your childs death. I have lived a nightmare no other mother should EVER have to deal with. When things get hectic I immediately get melancholy and a bit sad. I guess that is the part of PTSD that never totally goes away. Anything can trigger it…..and I mean anything.
I have gotten so many comments lately….and thank you, all, as they are so nice and comforting….but they are all wondering why I couldn’t find a surrogate to carry a grand baby. That is actually not the problem. I have had hundreds of offers and dozens I have gotten to know well and truly considered. There were even a few that wanted visitation that I had considered. The main thing that I have been searching so hard for is someone that I just CLICK with. That I feel I know on a very deep level. That is what Nikki would want. He would want me to have someone to turn to if everyone else turned their back on me. Someone who knew what was up. That is not hard to find in my support system because I have the greatest friends and family, but it is hard to find that in someone you want to carry a child that you will raise.
I find my alone time lately is consumed with doing searches again for the right person.
There are few that will think I’m crazy but I don’t care. I am and have always done what I know my baby would have not only accepted but wanted for me. He knew how hard my life would be after him. Even being a step mom does not fill the void. I am hoping being a grandma to Ryans’ baby will do some of that for me. I feel selfish sometimes for not being able to love other kids like I loved my Nikolas (and Ryan too of course) but I think that is the nature of this beast called grief.
I am going to be organizing a run called Nikki’s run with Russ. We still haven’t started on it yet but will and when we get it all done, it is going to be amazing!! I think that will help others who have suffered from brain injury and survived. I think that will be the best thing I can do for my baby….help others.
I like to do ASPCA drives. Makes me feel great. I look at those doggies faces and know that if I made at least a small bit of difference, Nikolas would be proud. If you read this and look for something to donate to or make a contribution for, there is a donation file in Nikolas Evans’ name at the SPCA in Dallas. I am constantly bugging my family to give up old sheets and towels and doggie beds that they don’t use anymore lol.
We went to Turner Falls for the 4th of July. I started remembering back to the days when it was just Ryan, Nik and me. We would go do day trips, weekend trips, and just drive around. Sometimes it got on my boys nerves but now I am so glad that I did them because I have such wonderful memories of the little family that I had. I had to fight back tears though too because I can never go there with Nikolas again….I hope he was there watching us have a great time. I don’t feel him that much anymore. I want to. I wish there was a way I could channel my thoughts into Nikolas dreams….
Good night all.

Heaven is so very lucky to have my baby up there.

New house is so great

Wednesday, May 23, 2012 19:03 | Filled in Uncategorized

Things are looking up for all of the Evans’ and Reddings”. Lily got her own room at the casa de Redding, finally and won’t have to share it until the grandbaby comes and stays here and there. Olivia and Ryan got their new place and feel so much better. Ryan is about to graduate from ITT! Ya, and has a great job working in his industry. My mom likes being in that big ol house alone so that’s good news. Dale is gone all the time. We are going on several fun trips this summer, including my baby girl’s grad party in Minnesota. Love me some Cassie. Of course, the only thing missing in all of my days is my sweet boy. I miss his laugh, his lop sided smile, his witty jokes and the way he used to Yuuuuh.
I went to his best friends baby shower a few weekends ago with Neena and it took everything I had not to bawl through the entire thing because I know I would be a grandmother in the “regular” sense of the word if he was here….maybe not yet, but would eventually and I have no doubt it would have been with Vicky. They would have had such cute babies….
I try not to think about it because now Ryan is going to bless us with a grand baby. This kid is going to be the most spoiled kid on the planet and we are all so grateful to have a baby in our lives to love and care for.
I want to help with babysitting, over nights, date nights. This kid is going to know his Neena!
Now that we are up here, Jeff can be closer to his baby although I will be farther away from mine :( I am wayyyy too far from Nikki’s cross up here but I am trying to find the brighter side. I have an adopted highway sign in the Bedford area too and his elementary, junior high, high school, friends houses, our homes….I guess in a way it is a good thing I’m half way to Oklahoma! HA It may help with the guilt I feel sometimes not going and sprucing up the cross or highway.
This house is so beautiful and BIG and we have so much room for all kiddos!
I have been in contact with several Dr’s about the surrogacy. This dream will never die. I just can’t make the mistakes I have made in the past; trusting people who take my money for the “fame” of it all UGH. I have to think positively that if this is what Nikolas wants for me and my life and my family that the right person or people will come along and make this dream a reality. I am NOT too old to raise a child. We are raising a 5 year old now….not too much different than doing the baby thing again. LOL
We are tired but not old, dangit.
I hope, hope, hope and dream. I am always thinking of what Nikolas would think about the things that I have done and do. I know he would proud and even it takes 5 years, it will be something that he wants for me.
I continue to have a new lease on life. I am not liking living without my baby but I am getting used to not having him around. I pretend he has moved to Australia and is on a secret mission sometimes. That helps with the pain.
Thank you all for always giving me encouraging words and emails. I will let each and every one of you know when the time comes to extend our family even more….there is no question about that.
For the time being, though, I am enjoying being a wife to the most wonderful man on the planet, a step mom to my little monster girl with ‘tude :) and becoming the best dang grandma this side of California! Things couldn’t be better in my world right now except for………….

3 years ago today, Nikolas Coltan Evans died

Thursday, April 5, 2012 17:52 | Filled in Uncategorized

I can’t even read that sentence without sinking down in my chair, slumping over and crying hard. What happened was just such a tragedy that our family will never ever get over. I sit down sometimes when I am really confused mode, and I analyze every aspect of those 10 days, 3 years ago. It just doesn’t make sense. None of it. People get sucker punched all the time and nothing bad happens to them like what happened to my baby. I often wonder if it was something that I did in my life that caused me to lose a child, or if it was something I did in a previous life that made this horrible thing come down on me, and I also wonder if I could have easier or harder as a parent and avoided this and kept my baby safe. I think the guilt is what hurts almost as much as my heart. I just know that there is something I could have done different in my life that would have made that baby boy stay here and me leave.
I’m older, not as smart, not as strong and not as gifted. God or whoever, could have taken me instead and I would have been happy. My boys would have been very upset but not as upset as his brother is now, losing Nikolas.
You do these things when you lose a child. All the normal decisions and recognitions that you give yourself are out of the window. Everything goes down hill instead of up….YUCK
We did provide thousands of dollars of donated items to the shelters that took in tornado dogs and the SPCA today in Nikolas’ honor. That felt good and next Russ and I are going to be organizing a run called of course, “Nikkis run”…this will start next year on April 5th. We are starting the planning now. If you know anything about coordinating these types of things, I would love your input. You can email me here or at

Prayers are coming in today. I can feel them! I so appreciate the hundreds of texts, calls, emails and facebook messages we got today. It makes me realize that I am never alone in this, never.
Love to you all. Please look up at the sky tonight and find that one bright star. That is my Nikolas saying YUH!

I needed to add this again since I am getting so much spam on the last one

Thursday, March 29, 2012 11:29 | Filled in Uncategorized

I feel like I’m coming back from a long illness. Things are looking up in every single aspect of my life. Ryan is doing better. He had such a hard time these past 3 years. I feel so sorry for him. He got it from every direction too. Parents on him, friends on him, girlfriends on him, grandma on him….He had a lot to take and some big shoes to fill. He will be successful at overcoming his grief as well as becoming the man I raised him to be.
The wedding was so beautiful and my boys looked so handsome! Russ walked our flower girls, Lily and Zoe, down the aisle and stood up for Jeff with the girls. It was magical. Ivory, yellow and black patio with dim lights and lot’s of people! We had over 80 people there to witness how much we love each other but Jeff and I were so busy saying hi to people we hadn’t seen in forever, that we didn’t get a piece of our cakes! LOL. I am going to post pictures as soon as we get them back but so far, we haven’t had much luck hooking with our friend who took the pics. Life is just too dang busy!
Jeff and I trying to stop smoking again! This is like the 50th time I have tried to quit. I hope to be successful at it one day. I think my health depends on it. I am hoping once I quit for a long time, that I get Ryan to quit as well. I want my baby boy to be healthy and happy long after I’m gone.
After the wedding, I thought things would slow down and I could once again start planning for future, future stuff but hell no….things are just as crazy as they have always been! School is great. I am finding myself again through friends, family and studying. I love being a college student again. I love learning. I feel like a part of my old self (before I lost my precious Nikki) is coming back. I have never had a problem with self worth or confidence but now more than ever, I feel more capable of doing whatever I really want to do. I am going to keep this momentum up until I get my restaurant, become a culinary genius, help my son get to the part of his life that he deserves to be at and all that this life is supposed to be giving me.
We are having a fund raiser for the ASPCA on 30 in Dallas on the 3rd anniversary of my baby’s death. He loved Sinatra and animals in general. I thought doing something great for some baby’s that don’t have furever homes would be a great way to honor him. Jeff and I and Ryan and Neena are going to re-do his cross on his 24th birthday, this Sat :(
I really need to do some work over there. I haven’t been there in quite some time.
We have Lily so I am hoping there is massive cooperation for a day that will be extremely hard for me….:)
All is well. Married life is perfect. Arguments happen, but then again, when don’t they? The point to getting married, living the vow and being with your true soul mate and perfect match is just honoring one another every day. Not making too much of the small stuff and NO drama!! It works. I wish everyone I knew had it this good but I understand things happen….just sending out my love to my beautiful friends and family. If you are reading this, please say a little prayer for my mother. She is the best mom and grandma any kid could ever wish for. She has been there and gone above and beyond for everyone she knows. She is having a hard time right now. I so want her to be happy and healthy and loved.
Thank you all.
Have a blessed February. More later. February is a hard month for me too. The 2nd best day of life (my youngest sons’ birth) is the 18th of this month.
I still miss him so….life is not fair sometimes.